Thursday, May 26, 2011

Yes, I'm still mourning

Whispers from Heaven

When I left this world without you
I know it made you blue.
Your tears fell so freely,
I watched: I know this is true.
While you were weeping,
Days after I passed away —
While all was silent within me,
I saw you kneel to pray.
From this wonderful place called heaven
Where all my pain is gone,
I send a gentle breeze to whisper,
“My loved ones, please go on.”
The peace that I have found here
Goes far beyond compare.
No rain, no clouds, no suffering —
Just LOVE from everywhere.
You need not be troubled
Just stay close to GOD in prayer
Someday we’ll be reunited
My love, HIS love surrounds you always,

Still... I was not able to think about Ute without crying... for a long time.
Her funeral was a disaster for me -
It was a beautiful sunny day, March 2nd 2011, but ice cold with strong wind gusts that made all of us shiver. We were high above our home town in a forest where I will be overlooking our beautiful 'Michelstadt' one day too.

I cried, I screamed and was shaking, trembling so bad that some ladies were offering Valium.  Because there wasn't a single prayer for her, after the 'ceremony' I prayed, loud...and asked everyone there to join me, which our mutual friends thanked me for afterwards.

One night, 3 weeks ago, she visited me. And I swear every holy oath it was real!
Ute came to me and I was able to hug her and hold her. She then showed me her back (that's how it started, metastases growing OUT of her back) and told me that she couldn't bear it anymore. Too many more had grown besides in her lungs and liver.
I knew it, but I couldn't understand why she had to go so fast. I was 3 days too late. And she KNEW I was coming, flying in from US, just to comfort and BE with her.

She was all alone when she passed. Nobody but nurses around her.
It gives me the creeps ... I so prayed I could be there and help her.

Yet I know that Ute didn't want me to be so sad. That's why she came to comfort ME. She told me she is good now, and she is at peace.
I was stunned. IT WAS REAL, I swear!
Sh... I'm crying again...

And this is what a friend of mine said after I told her about my REAL dream -
and she is an atheist!! :
'I believe in the hereafter and know Ute came to see you.  It's very
real.  She was letting you know she is thinking of you and is
ok........death hurts, more for the people who are left behind...we
never forget, but time heals.....Ute never wants to make you
sad....remember the good times....'

Yes, after that night it became so much easier for me, immediately!
Somehow it became just logic ... yet, she was so full of life, so happy, always helpful, volunteered everywhere, we laughed our asses off and had a LOT of serious conversations AND wine together.
Well, she was more a friend of a good cold beer ;)
3 years ago she still ran MARATHONS ! Imagine! At the age of 61 !!

Ute, thank you so much that you came and gave me the opportunity to hug you one more time. I told you often enough that I love you, which had you always sooo embarrassed. (We don't do that in Germany.. but saying it in English is easier. So I told her all the time:
'I say it in English, but I MEAN it in German: For REAL!')

Ute was my cousin and after my son the closest person to me.
Here's my tribute to her:
Enjoy a stroll through our beautiful home town in Germany.

And THIS is exactly the time of the year (end of May till middle of June) when I would be at home and visit her and mutual childhood friends and would have a mighty good time.
But I have no reason (and no bed... ;-) to go there anymore.